Tonight I learned that I can write 15 pages in the span of 12 hours (10 PM to 10 AM, no doubt). I also learned that some exams are better than others, and take-home exams are the runt of the litter, the petard of the pack, the beast of the barn, the ugly baby in the room.
How to Succeed in Law School: An Authoritative Guide
1. Use up 9 forests worth of trees printing at least 5 CANS. You need at least five. 1 for reference, 1 for verification, 1 for getting food stains on, and 3 for good luck. Also, learn to add.
2. Live in a suburb so you can get caught in traffic on the way to your exams. The extra travel time and early morning rush hour will help put you in the mood.
3. While rushing to leave your suburban home on the morning of an exam, leave your collection of finely printed, superbly highlighted, expertly tabbed binder of CANS in the hallway. Don't realize you left your CANS at home until you're at school and have only half an hour until your exam begins. This is key. If you discover your mistake too soon, then you'll have time to go back home and fetch aforementioned CANS. That simply won't do. You need to be in a state of utter distress. Going back for your CANS deprives you of the panic necessary for a prime exam writing experience (which includes screaming FUUUUUUUCK in the library at 8:51 in the morning).
4. Go to a law school with a library that has special printers that talk to you. Make sure they only say "Error". Hopefully, they aren't lonely because they also have special computers friends that say "Printer not detected". This is exciting and very exclusive. Only the best technology is able to reject your advances.
5. Go to a law school with a law library that has photocopiers born in 1472. Listen for the "kreeeeeeeeeeeeeeyoooooooo" sound. The whining is essential for determining technological authenticity. Also, make sure the photocopier prints at a speed of 1 page per 4 days. If it copies too fast, then you know it's only faking the magic.
6. Finally, and most importantly, the key to success in law school is theme songs. You don't choose them. They choose you. First year, it was "Everday People" by Arrested Development, and I was pretty down with my marks. In second year, "Golddigger" by Kanye West got me through. That transcript was about as pretty as I was with glasses, braces, and puberty. But the theme song for this year, third year, the last year, definitely takes the cake. Hit it ladieeeez! (And I'm talking to you, Taeghan + Wo).
There is no time like exam time to question your decision to go to law school. Your mind is already ripe with questions + confusion (like, What exactly is a fiduciary and how do you cook it?). Why not take it one step further and query the last 2.5 years of your life?
Demetri Martin says, "People said I should get the degree to have something to fall back on. That didn't make sense to me. Couches are good for falling back on, or fat people who are sunbathing, not degrees in things you don't like."
Hmmmmmm.
PS. I've made peace with my haircut. It promised to behave, and I promised to stop comparing it to Toni Braxton. Deal or no deal? DEAL!
